Why I’m Single: A Brief History of Abuse
When I used to date, I was drunk all the time. When I stopped drinking, I realized: I am not comfortable around men in romantic situations sober. Guy friends? I love them. Guys who want to be more than friends? I can’t love them unless I’m drunk.
This may sound pathological. Like, maybe I have a problem?
I do.
I was sexually abused as a child on two separate occasions by two different men. I grew up not discussing these events or acknowledging that I deserved more. In consequence, I dated men who were abusive, even early in my dating life. My high school boyfriend pushed me down the stairs once because I was annoying him.
From there, I found a man, who every abused girl’s — who only thinks she will ever be abused — dream. A man who was violent with no remorse. I’ve lost hearing in my right ear due to his anger and yes, again, for being annoying. I lived with this man for 5 years, where he wiped out all my accounts, beat me up, and impressed upon me: No one will ever love a woman who was sexually abused as a child. It’s disgusting.
After almost being choked to death, I came to realization on that kitchen floor in Gainesville, Florida: I probably don’t deserve much, but maybe I don’t deserve this.
After escaping this relationship, yes — escaping — my brother came to extract me from this man who took my car and wouldn’t give it back, I found drinking.
It took some time to adjust to life after constant violence. I remember once a guy lifted his hand near me and I flinched. “Did you think I was going to hit you? What’s wrong with you?”
Well, there was a lot wrong with me.
With vodka sodas in both hands, I crashed into one man after the next, looking for love or something kinda sorta resembling it. I didn’t know what love really felt like until becoming a mother.
I then found myself pregnant. The father of my child begged me to let him off the hook. I did. Bye.
I stopped drinking during my pregnancy and continued to not drink until today. I drink on occasion, but the everyday drinking I used to get through life has stopped.
Which brings us, finally, to why I don’t date.
I’m in therapy now, finally dealing with my history of abuse from men. There is a lot to unpack from 4 years old to now. I’m 44.
I have found that when I am around men in a romantic context sober, I am anxious. I am uncomfortable. I am unhappy.
Until, I can feel safe in the presence of men, I will remain single. I will do what feels right for me.
This is what self-love feels like.
