Single Mom Dilemma: A Career or a Relationship? What I did with Limited Time and Resources
When I gave birth to my daughter, I had limited time and emotional energy. She was born with a heart defect and underwent open heart surgery at 4-days-old. For the next three years, she was in and out of the hospital and had two more surgeries. At the time, I was transitioning from being an ICU nurse to a software engineer. This was a blessing. I was able to work from her bedside while she was sick. I did all of this as a solo parent. Her father has never been involved and has never met her.
In the beginning, my software career had a shaky beginning. I thankfully got a job a couple months out of code bootcamp, but it didn’t have insurance or any benefits. As a junior software engineer without a formal computer science degree, this was the best I could hope for at the time. I got pregnant at the same time making my start in software more stressful.
I’d been a nurse in the ICU for ten years. There is always a need for nurses. With that experience, I could get a job with benefits in any unit anywhere. But I was determined to succeed in software. I had burned out in nursing and had never been truly happy as a nurse.
When the start-up I worked for lost funding, I was out of a job. I quickly was able to find a new one with another start-up. Still no benefits. No insurance. Still pregnant.
Although my software salary was 25% more than nursing, not having insurance benefits caused me immense stress. When I found out my daughter’s diagnosis of a heart defect, truncus arteriosus, while five months pregnant, my prospects of being able to truly leave nursing to become a full-fledged software engineer felt dim.
Would I continue to just work for start-ups without benefits? Start-ups are always starting up and going under. Was this the kind of financial insecurity I wanted to raise my daughter in?
With my life as a single parent looming ahead of me, I continued to work in the ICU along with my full time software job. Since this was a PRN (part time) nursing position, I still didn’t have benefits, but the extra money helped offset my worries. I had Obamacare at the time and was paying a monthly premium of ~$300. The temptation to go back to nursing full time weighed heavy in my heart.
This temptation was eventually smote down by divine intervention. One day, I woke up from a nap in Supraventricular Tachycardia, a heart rate in the 180’s. A normal heart rate is less than 100 beats per minute. The cardiologist and my obstetrician recommended I no longer work in the ICU.
There was no other choice but to soldier on in my software career. I focused on the future. If I continued to learn and grow my skills, I’d eventually get a job with a company that offered benefits. Furthermore, as I continued to grow as a developer, my salary would increase much higher than would be possible as a bedside nurse.
I focused on my software career. I practiced. I took online courses to expand my skills. Most importantly, I didn’t give up.
All the while, my daughter had three surgeries and frequent appointments to see her specialists: cardiology, neurology, and nephrology, and therapists: physical, occupational, speech, and early intervention. Focusing on my career and taking care of my medically fragile child is all I had room for in my life. Many friends encouraged me to date. If I found a husband, then my life would be easier. I’d have financial help.
Dating takes time and emotional energy I did not have. I honestly still do not have. I put any available energy and focus into my career. I eventually was hired at my dream company, Booz Allen Hamilton. I’d applied when I was fresh out of code bootcamp and didn’t even get an interview. The second time after a couple more years of experience, I applied again. I was hired.
I’m not suggesting to anyone how they should live their lives. This is how I chose to deal with the financial strain of being a solo mom to a medically complex child with zero child support. I’m a now a Lead Engineer and making six figures.
Is being a single mother hard? Yes. Will people doubt you, criticize you, and demean you for your choice to stay single? Yes.
Do what feels right for you and your children. That’s what truly matters.
